This is just an attempt to read the mind of Dr. Rashmi Nagaraj who committed suicide last week in Bangalore. She had obtained 74th rank in the Po s t - G r a d u at e Entrance Test but failed to get the subject of her choice.
Today has been the worst day of my life…I have never felt so low in life. Life at KIMS was so…normal!! I had built a thousand castles in the air. My parents expected so much from me. I was at the peak of joy when I got 74th rank in PGET…wanted to take up paediatrics or general medicine..Went with all hopes for the councelling only to know that I would not get what I wanted…
I am here on the terrace..I can hear voices around me…Is it someone who is searching for me? No can’t be..It’s too early for someone to notice! Must be just those kids down the block…living their happy lives…Dad is still at the university enquiring about the seat…I don’t know if he would miss me…but it doesn’t make a difference now…
My life now depends on these 50 phenobarbitone pills I have with me. I wonder how many it would take for…I have lost hope. This was my greatest dream and I have lost that opportunity…I can’t wait another year to write the test again…I just can’t do this anymore. Everyone, my parents, relatives, everyone was waiting for this day since I wrote the test. I can’t believe this is happening!
Let me take 10 pills now…The authorities have offered me a seat in microbiology! But who would like that?? That doesn’t have any value..They talk as if they are doing me a favour..I hate this…Just let me pop in 10 more of these! They don’t seem to have an effect on me yet..
In my years of medicine I have always pondered on this sensation of death. How would it feel like to die..What am I feeling right now..A slow drowsiness is it? But I want it to death..I know death is not the way of escape…But I want to…End all this..I cannot face all around me in this state of defeat. I hate myself, hate all around me too..I better eat 10 more…I want to end this trauma forever ,ever…..
As I wrote this…even though I tried to justify Rashmi…I could never get to the depth as to what could drive the girl to this moment…Just in case there are a few reading this who would like to try interpolating what could have been her state of mind. Please do…There may be things we might have never thought of…You can also refer this.
10 comments:
This is damn sad...
very very sad...
whats the point f putting this here on blog..one cant fathom the grief and sadness that has been filling around that girl..but by writing this..y ur creating sadness more..it was a feeling that girl felt so..
u r a good writer...n may b now mind reader...but those around u..u shd use ur skill to b good..sad are of different kind..have u imagined what the person who already suicidal or may b feeling sad..if they read something like this what it may make them feel...
quoting a life incidences for self and others improvement is fine..infact a gr8 deed...
but writing about someone suicide is really depressing...
use ur skill for a better purpose..infact it wld have been ok if u wanted to share ur feelings...
but what sense this makes..
:( :( :(
hi dream catcher...what you said is true..i cannot even imagine the grief of the person...but what i wanted to do is just be at the mind of a person who suicides and think from their point of view as to what could drive them to do so....But this is something even after writing this I failed to do..suicide is momentary insanity!it could be just anyone...even I have had these tendencies...but never driven so much...so just put that in words that's all...
I just wanted to say its sad and unhealthy...even u shd not do it..i have had close encounters with tis...can tell u better..try to write for good reason...sad reason..but not for bad reason..
ppl can explain anything in this world..but this part is unexplainable...its individualistic side of them that come out...
tk God bless u...
this was very depressing to read.. i dont know what makes people do it.. its just inability to think.. its depressing..
i had missed this piece of news.....thnks for bringing it to light....
i feel tht nothing can ever justify ending of a life!!! ....and definitely from minds who have been taught to think.....
but again its easier said than done.....this girl must have had her own reasons.....
incodents like ths are truly sad...but then inevitable...God bless her soul!!
I can totally understand the disappointment Rashmi went thru cuz something like that just happened with me recently but I dont think it's easy to just end ur life like that.Being a doc myself,I know the effects of phenobaritone.What was she thinking?I cant justify it either but it must have been scary.Poor thing...god bless her soul.
very nice u wrote this.excellent.a writer should also be a social observer than confining to oneself.im so sad thinking about such a brilliant girl.lost!
Hey,thanks for passing by.What drew me to ur blog was that I wanted to call my blog lifesimplyrocks and I was told it already existed!!I'm glad I did see this cuz it's really nice :-)
well written post...u sure seem to have put a lot of thought n time into it.
I dont think any of us can ever understand what was going thru this gal's mind when she commited suicide.I'm sure she had her reasons..but still,its really sad when some one so young n promising is taken away.
Well, i cant comment anything on this..because untill we can experience something we cant feel that or knwo how it would be like, and what all conditions refers so..
Anyways, take care
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