This is just an attempt to read the mind of Dr. Rashmi Nagaraj who committed suicide last week in Bangalore. She had obtained 74th rank in the Po s t - G r a d u at e Entrance Test but failed to get the subject of her choice.
Today has been the worst day of my life…I have never felt so low in life. Life at KIMS was so…normal!! I had built a thousand castles in the air. My parents expected so much from me. I was at the peak of joy when I got 74th rank in PGET…wanted to take up paediatrics or general medicine..Went with all hopes for the councelling only to know that I would not get what I wanted…
I am here on the terrace..I can hear voices around me…Is it someone who is searching for me? No can’t be..It’s too early for someone to notice! Must be just those kids down the block…living their happy lives…Dad is still at the university enquiring about the seat…I don’t know if he would miss me…but it doesn’t make a difference now…
My life now depends on these 50 phenobarbitone pills I have with me. I wonder how many it would take for…I have lost hope. This was my greatest dream and I have lost that opportunity…I can’t wait another year to write the test again…I just can’t do this anymore. Everyone, my parents, relatives, everyone was waiting for this day since I wrote the test. I can’t believe this is happening!
Let me take 10 pills now…The authorities have offered me a seat in microbiology! But who would like that?? That doesn’t have any value..They talk as if they are doing me a favour..I hate this…Just let me pop in 10 more of these! They don’t seem to have an effect on me yet..
In my years of medicine I have always pondered on this sensation of death. How would it feel like to die..What am I feeling right now..A slow drowsiness is it? But I want it to death..I know death is not the way of escape…But I want to…End all this..I cannot face all around me in this state of defeat. I hate myself, hate all around me too..I better eat 10 more…I want to end this trauma forever ,ever…..
As I wrote this…even though I tried to justify Rashmi…I could never get to the depth as to what could drive the girl to this moment…Just in case there are a few reading this who would like to try interpolating what could have been her state of mind. Please do…There may be things we might have never thought of…You can also refer this.