Life at 35. Just hang in there !

First things first, when I was younger I never imagined a day that I would be 35. My dreams were always I presume limited to till 30. I would have counted being done with my studies, a career, a family and being settled by the time I was 30. And even if I did think after that it would be what I wanted to do at old age. Never even once I imagined a 35 me. Well then Hello Life! Trust it never to go the way things are planned. Being married at 31 it actually meant a major portion of my life exists in the 30s.

Today when I look back there is one hell of a list of things I learnt in these 35 years of life. I would love to make a list that says "Top 3 things that I learnt at 35" but then I learnt something very early on. I love being lazy. So I just thought of putting together my top 10.

 
             
                           

1. Don't wish for an older self : When I was younger I would always wish for the next stage to happen. In school, I wanted college. In college I wanted a job. In a job I wanted family life. But today all I want is to restart. I really wish I never wished myself away.

2. You can not please everyone : Learnt this may be the hard way during my work days (seems a century ago) but then kept this for anyone who then appeared in my life. Colleagues, bosses, relatives, parents, social media friends, other friends and even to my husband and son. Sorry I cant please you all the time!

3. When you want something open your mouth and ask for it : No one can mind read you, however long they know you for or how much so ever close they are to you. Most of your disappointments in life could have been avoided just by conversation.

4. Look after your body as it's the only one you got : I so wish I had realized this 10 years ago when I just didn't care what I ate or whether I worked out or not. Today when I chase my kid around literally for 12 hours a day I so much wish I was a fitter me.  When I look into my mirror and wish for another me I come to my next learning.

5.  How you dress can change how you feel : I was never really bothered about how I dress till at work place. Slowly I learnt that the way you dress not only projected your personality but also had the power to change your mood. So even today a new dress, sandals or any accessory just gives me that essential boost.

6. Sleep is a luxury : Even when I used to do shifts at work, I loved to sleep. In those care free years I could get back from work and sleep everything away. Work pressure, relationship stress, nagging parents, there was nothing that sleep could not cure. Entering family life with a small kid and a bigger one (my husband) I know that sleep is a luxury. Yawn...

7.  It's ok to love yourself : There are times when I am selfish. I have been occasionally selfish  forever actually. But today I am unapologetic about it. I love my "me" time. I could get up an hour before everyone else, put my kid to sleep earlier at times, make my favourite meal instead of everyone else's demands and not care. I want to love myself and feel that is the only way someone else could love me too.

8.  You can keep a child alive : Yipee! what i thought was an impossible task when I saw my friends entering motherhood now seems possible for me too. And what I learnt after I became a mother, is a totally different post all together. But yes! I am surviving and he is alive and kicking the hell out of me each minute.

9. Your home and parents our your ultimate holiday destination : Plan a million trips around the world, it is always stress at some point or another. But being at your own home with your parents it your ideal holiday. They will still shower you with love, pamper your child and give you all the me time you need. And you get that much needed break from cleaning, washing, cooking and parenting! Yeah, I am selfish!

10. Learn to forgive yourself for your past mistakes : No one is perfect. You could have wronged so many in this past half that you lived on the planet. Forgive yourself and just learn from all those mistakes that you made. Just Chill. 

Do Children Teach You To Control Your Temper?

When this question is posed, the immediate reaction would be "YES" . Things however have been different for me. Having a child taught me what temper is.

Through my single years ( sigh...that seems like a dream today ) I was known to be a cool cucumber. I bet you would never find one person who said she is hot headed. In the most panic situations at work I always kept my cool, never broke down and loved challenges in my path. Be it managers or my team mates I never lost my temper with anyone. And yeah I was proud of it !

Fast forward a few years to when I got married. I was again riding that bubble. I was calm with my husband. We passed our honeymoon phase with flying colors be it with parents,relatives, in laws,friends, everyone. But then the bubble burst when I became a mom. I was introduced to Mr. Temper in my life.

I found it so difficult to keep my calm. Each day I was faced with situations that made me want to scream, want to walk away, made me think why I don't get it right or why is it that I got such a difficult toddler. Negative thoughts would flood my mind. I knew these were because of his growing need for independence. He would want to do the tiniest of things himself which we would not be able to and the next second would be rolling on the floor , yelling. He didn't want me to do it for him neither would he be able to do it himself. And I would reach the boiling point in minutes.


So now that I knew Mr. Temper has entered my life I knew it's time to show him Who's the boss. I just had to keep him on check. So I think positive. I make myself believe that it's ok as long as I'm trying, learning and wanting to be better. I picture the ideal me . I work to attain it but also keep in mind that it is not realistic to be that way all the time. I am not perfect. So I'm ok with it now.  

New Life,Old Passion

7 years.They flew by. I flew too. From the land of my career and craziness, Bangalore to the sands of the United Arab Emirates.Along that journey came my soul mate and then a little soul who I brought into this world.

Is there something that is the opposite of the 7 year itch?Where you start missing people or things that you loved most in your life after 7 years of being away? Well I don't know if there is . But yes, I missed myself. I missed being on this space where I connected with myself, where I expressed myself, where I penned down memories or where I just wrote what I wanted to, where I was me. Not a wife, not a mommy (ten thousand times a day) , but just me!

So this is an attempt just to get to know the new me. So sure that my thought process would never be the same as 7 years back, my life experiences never the same. Maybe this blog will just turn out to be a space for a stay at home mom to rant out her feelings but it will be me. So well "marhabaan"

Day without computers...

Once in a while I have sat back to think what would life be without computers. I know that I should never evne dream of such a think working at HP but still liberty of thought you see. I dream of the umpteen oppurtunoties created in the "Computer Free World" where there will be more man labour, there will thus be more employment, thus better living standards and so forth.

Whenever I fantasised this would happen I really never wished the tooth fairy would make my dream come true atleast limited to me. My system at office crashed and that due to a roaming virus!!! Can you imagine at office , so much data at stake, there pops up a devil virus. Amd there began my saga of reformatting the computer, setting up the everything from scratch and there goes a day! It shattered all my wishes. I freaked out thinking of all that data I could have lost, those photos that hold memories, those important mails...

And now here I am with my computer looking all fresh. I don't have my old wallpapers thus the feel of this system seems alien. I feel as if I have just entered a new home. I guess it'll take time to get adjusted!!

Random thoughts

Sometimes you find yourselves in such situations that you don't know what to do. You seem to have pros and cons on both sides. Even after your head does the rational thinking you are unable to make up your mind. For most Indians the heart rules your head. Occassionally I find myself at a point that my heart also does not choose any (not even secretly ;) )

I am really not sure what people do at that point of time. I am not the type who ask others for opinion and go ahead and do what they suggest. I just let time be and when the last moment of decision comes I just do what I feel at that point of time. Somehow I have come to know that this is what I have desired all along!!

Nokia to Motorola

Dear Friend,
I miss you so much.
I have had such a great time with you over the years.
I miss talking to you.
I miss holding you tight.
I miss playing with you.
I miss the times you would not respond to me.
I miss the times I bruised you when you fell.
I miss all the emotions attached to you.
I miss you my Nokia 3310.

Yes, finally it has happened. I have changed from my very first Nokia 3310. The battery died and I was given the option to either change the battery or go for a new one. I gave it a thought and it was a huge decision. This is the very first phone I bought with my money. I have shared a lot of emotions with this phone and also stood through all those envious eyes of people around when I said proudly that I have been using the same phone since 6 years!!

Now that it was time to change, I thought what the heck let me go for a complete change over. I bought a W270 Motorola with a 2GB expandable memory. It took me 3 days to shake off my comfort zone and accept my new companion. Now I am cool enjoying listening to the radio and music on the player and truly speaking that’s the only things I would do other than speak on my phone. Whatever, I’m loving it!!!

Getting geared to another year!!

Life has been yet so static since a few weeks. I haven't done anything much at all. Yeah you can actually count out watching "Dasavatharam". I lost interest in writing a review for the movie. Too much has been said for and against the movie. So I leave it to each self. I mean I liked the movie even though I hought some characters were just to increase the number to 10!!

I am looking forward to my birthday. Yeah I know..What's great in a birthday especially when you are (secret) and not married!! Well I just don't care. I still look forward to my birthday as I used to 10 years ago. I look forward to how to treat myself, what to give those around me and what would I get from those around me! ( ;) That's the best part)

As a part of "Oh my Gosh! I am growing a year older" blues I have started hitting the gym since the last month. I have been regularily going except for Friday when the weekend laziness hits me. So just to boost my ego, I feel good and fit. It comforts me to feel as young as my heart thinks! I am keen to stick around to this 1 hour gym routine till my laziness takes over atleast. I have a colleague of mine who is my gym mate. She inspires me to keep at it and so I do!!

So as I always say "I am 24 till I get married!!" and if that doesn't happen I am 24 forever...That's it..So I better get back to deciding what to do tomorrow!!!

Friends!

Sometimes there are some relationships that cannot be termed and classified. I am sure that we have all definitely come across one such person on this journey called life. I have never encountered any such person till I came to Bangalore.

As for introduction, his name is Surendar (Suri) and he used to work with me in my previous company. Just throughout my time in Bangalore he has become an indispensable part of life here. He has been a part of the Ups and oh so many DOWNs as well! And I have never had an opportunity to thank him for any selfless deed he has done for me! Not that he would ever accept one too.

I always wonder as to how we manage to find someone to support us along life’s way. There may be periods in which we find ourselves alone in a crowd. We feel there is no one around us to empathize or sympathize with us. But often within a short while we find comfort in someone or something that takes our attention away from sorrows. Is it an intervention from a “power above” or is it a rule of nature that equalizes sorrow with happiness?? Don’t know!

Week Review

Been a long tme that I haven't blogged. Two weeks maybe. Not that I never had the time, just that I was lazy. Now thinking about it, what have I been doing since the past weeks? Nothing much other than cricket, cricket and more cricket!!

Life revolves around IPL and its many controversies. I have been thinking about the matches, the gorgeous players, the cheerleaders, the BJP comments about them, Bajji-Sreeshanth hussle and Shah Rukh Khan!! Oh what entertainment. I never wanted to post any comments on any topic because enough have been said and forgotten ;)

That brings me to next enertainment - Shah Rukh Khan. He's all over TV . He's at IPL, he has a new show on Star TV on which he is absolutely lovable! I am just lapping up all I can get of him. I don't think he has any movie releases this year .

Work has been going good. changes everyday and thus new challenges. Keeps the energy kicking! Didn't go anywhere, no shopping done, no exploration done...hmm...now it sounds boring!! Let's see time to bring some excitement into "Life Rocks"

Distance makes the heart fonder..

I know that if I were to tell one of those madly in love couples, they would never agree with me, but I do believe that "Distance makes the heart fonder." I have noticed this in many occassions right from the years I start knowing what emotions are. I wouldn't say that phase existed when I was studying abroad. At that time life was just a turmoil for studies. I don't remember a time I felt deeply for anything else. But life changed once I came down to Kerala.



The first I missed was family. In the first few years when I met them only once a year, I used to long to be with them. I missed mom's cookig and even complimented her for the first time in 19 years. I felt I realised their importance and place in my life. I also realised that they treated me very different from what it was when I was with them. They always loved me but this time they were expressive about it.

During college times, as I stayed in hostel far away from home and went down every 2 or 3 months for a short period, again I felt the same affection! I have experienced the same with friends. I miss them occassionally but know how much I actually missed them when I see them after a long time.

Even now I experience this feeling in another sense. When I am with a group for a long time I don't feel the emotions what I actually feel for them. It's only when I don't talk to them for a long time does my heart grow fonder. As it is I have never been able to maintain friend ship by a continuous every day contact. I prefer my space and give them theirs, and love them all!!!

Me and my comfort shell...

Sometimes I find myself strange. I retrieve into my Crab shell often. I am an outgoing person, talk to people easily, get along with all sorts of people but still I love my loneliness. I love to go into that comfort shell where I don't have to answer any questions, I don't have to ask any questions. I can sit for ages without thinking about anything. Today is an almost off day and here I sit doing nothing at all and looking at my computer.

Everyone is sitting and chatting and I am just here. I read philosophy, I read others' thoughts, I observe animated expressions from people around and just say put!Well not for long, people who know me always tend to observe when I go quiet .(Yeah,I do contribute to a significant level of noise pollution) So here I am back in action!!!

Merry Christmas!!!

It's that time of the year where people go crazy, people make merry and I am the happiest. It's new year again. I never look at the year end with the missing feeling... I remember all the good times that happened throughout the year and look forward to more good times. New Year brings a lot of hope and joys...

So make merry guys, have fun and keep safe for all those people who plan to drink their way into the New Year..till then keep partying!!!

Kya kare!!

There are certain objects we grow so attached to in life. It could be little things gifted to us, or things we use through a long time. They might be of any monetary value but they are priceless according to us.

I have grown attached to many such things in life. My 3310 mobile that I refuse to change is one. I have used it for the past 5 years with not even one servicing and I refuse to buy a new one unless and until this fails me. This is the first asset I bought with my own money. There are certain pieces of jewellery given to me that I refuse to part with. The list just goes on and on. It is very characteristic of Cancerians to grow attached to little things.

This is not exactly what I am worried about. I get very uncomfortable when someone asks me to lend them something I consider so precious. I am facing this problem with my Sony camera these days. I never know what to tell people who ask for it. My electronic stuff have always been a treasure to me and this tops the list as I bought it on my birthday for myself after I came to Bangalore.

I can never handle such situations. I can’t say “No” in a cut right manner as well as this would be people I like. I never understand how others handle it. I make some excuse or another but it hurts me too thinking I am lying to the person concerned. Well I guess sometimes there is nothing to do!!

My desktop

I wanted to take up this tag to share something special in my life. Well not the desktop, actually. This has been my desktop appearance for quite some time now. It does change occasionally but always to a Krishna photo. This adoration towards Krishna is something I share since a long time and that traces back to the time when "Mahabharath" serial was aired.

During that time we were in Muscat and those were the days where cable TV was non existent. Once in a month the 4 episodes shown that week on TV used to be made cassette and released in the video shops. We caught up with the craze quite late so did manage to see most of the videos toegther.

How much I used to enjoy them!! The attraction was that Lord Krishna was never perfect. He was naughty, he was cunning, he was deceptive and still God! Whenever I used to get naughty I used to pray to him to forgive me. Later on in life this continued. There would always be a Krishna Idol or photo somewhere in my room, definite.

There goes my desktop story!!

The Empty Vase

The empty glass vase is a wonder on itself.

The onlooker looks at it. The design so perfect, the curvature so smooth. He admires the artist who molded it with his hands. He looks through the glass vase and sees the other side of the world. It seems as if the vase knows no foul. It is crystal clear in its path. He awes at its pureness. It looks as if this is a masterpiece of The creator.

But the vase believes itself another entity, one that no one else understands. It encompasses within itself a space that no one sees, a hollow that no one penetrates, an emptiness that pains it. It longs for a fullness that completes it. The vase knows that its life is only by chance. It knows that a small shrill could shatter it to a thousand pieces. It knows that a small mistake- intentional or unintentional may reduce it back to its original state. The vase waits- with fear of the end rather than the pleasure of life.

"Waiting for love"

The day comes and then goes,
I’m still waiting for a rose.
I hear your voice in my head,
But your face I see I see not.
Are you looking at the same star,
For a destiny that is not far.
Sometimes I feel you are near,
Coming to face is what you fear.
I wait for you arms to caress me,
And take me through the deep sea.
To watch over me when I sleep,
And wake me up from my sleep.
True love waits,
True love endures.
I shall wait with my arms open,
To engulf you when love happens.

P.S : This is for a collegue of mine who is so desperate "to have someone to look after him". This is in his actual words. Funny because he is just 22 or so and says this. Me at ** have never said this yet!!

“Living behind a mask”

Over the years it mould,
A mask my face to hold.
Hiding behind this mask,
Has never been a task.
Even behind the crafted smile,
There are sorrows going a mile.
Behind the attitude that says don’t care,
Lies a weak heart that fears a tear.
My feelings I reckon misunderstood,
It is then I retreat into that hood.
Where no one sees the real me,
And beyond me is all I see!!
I wonder if ever….
You see past the front to what lies below?
Or beyond the truth I want you to see?

Helen of Troy

It’s tough to break premonitions!!

I usually take a long time to make notions about people. In general I’m a friendly person who can speak to anyone at all no matter how much I know them. I hardly form opinions about people. My opinions are not based on what others say. They are more on my experience with the person.

This is something the silicon city taught me. Among the circle of people around me there is a wide variety. There are people who are a complete contrast to what they are to me in real life. There are some who are the same in and out. But it doesn’t matter. As long as they are good to me I like them.

Their personal life or backgrounds don’t bother me as far as they are in my good books. I have learnt it that way after coming to Bangalore. I don’t let other’s talk ruin my opinion about the person. But my difficulty is when my mind is set. When I have already shaped up my ideas about someone, I find it difficult to change.

Whatever a person does, different from what I expect him to, seems artificial to me. I get even more bugged up with such people. Not only do they fail to impress they put me off completely. I have debated within myself plenty of times whether I should change such premonitions. The “good devil” says I should change but then “It’s tough to break premonitions!!”

Random Thoughts- II

Continuing my 5 day trip thoughts…I have been branded as “not having the correct perspective or attitude” by one of my uncles. Obviously what he is referring to is the BIG Marriage factor. According to this person and many others back home the only thing that is delaying my marriage is my attitude towards it. Hmm…Quite a thought!

Well first let me look at the attitude I portray to others. I never thought I project any image to anyone on this issue. Whenever anyone asks a question even remotely concerned with this issue all I do is “Smile”. Now that is definitely a positive outlook no matter which book you read. And I don’t crib aloud to anyone saying “ Oh god! Why are things delaying so much? Why is it happening to me? Why don’t you guys do something about this? How long will I stay like this? “ etc etc. Reason why I don’t do it is firstly I don’t want it to sound like a mega serial episode and secondly I don’t want to lie. And obviously lying is bad according to all other books I’ve read and people I’ve heard.

Now the feeling behind the smile, what I think that I’ll never voice in front of anyone who seems to be thinking about this issue….is that “I just don’t care!!!” Yes that’s the feeling I have developed over time. What I want of life is to be happy and ask me anytime now - “ I am happy”.

I can’t think of adjusting to life anymore or making adjustments for the sake of adjusting. I am happy, more happy than any other time in my life. I have people around me who care for me and share my joys and sorrows. When I go to all the temples for Mom these days and she tells me to pray with all my heart, I know she is referring only “Let my marriage happen soon.” But I actually do pray with all my heart, “ To keep me happy.” That’s just what I want of the power above me and from all those with me too!!